From An Obsession with Success to a Deeper Well

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” ~ Franz Kafka

I have had many obsessions in life.

As a young boy growing up in Indiana during the era of Bobby Knight’s Hurrying Hoosiers, I was obsessed with basketball and what it took to be a success. Their 1975-76 Perfect Season coincided with the breakdown of my family and eventual divorce of my parents. I spent countless hours dreaming I would one day orchestrate such perfection, to erase the damnable loop, “God Hates Divorce” that pierced my soul. Nothing I could do on my own brought relief.

Now, in my 60s, twice divorced myself, 15 in-patient psychiatric stays, and twice in treatment for dual diagnosis (alcoholism/bipolar), I have come to the Living Water of Christ as if for the first time. After a 40+ year quest with many wilderness wanderings, I was accepted into the one holy apostolic catholic Church. I told Father Lehnert, who instructed me in the ways of the Church, that I was finding in Catholicism a “Deeper Well” in every sense of the phrase. Historically. Spiritually. Psychologically. Relationally. The deeper I draw from this well the more well I become. Like the Children’s Bible Song – Deep and Wide, Deep and Wide, There’s a Fountain Flowing Deep and Wide.

Before I set out on this phase of my journey, I want to establish three things I am not setting out to do.

First, I start this on my first trip around the sun as a bona fide Catholic. I will not pretend to be an authority on Church matters. As part of my story, I will share what drew me to Catholicism as the best place I know to find the healing touch of the Spirit of Christ. I am not trying to convert anyone. I will leave this up to a Power Greater Than Myself.

Second, I begin this first draft with just 783 “daily reprieves” from alcohol consumption. In some AA circles, they would be telling me to take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth. Duly noted. I will do my best to be true to the message of faithful “elders, old-timers, and sponsors” who have shown me a way out of the miserable life I was leading before I began a diligent pursuit to become sober, sane, and serene.

Finally, a friend I greatly appreciate advised me not to lean too heavily on approval from others in this effort. Honestly, I still have an inner child within me on a quest for success. Like that 11 year old boy dreaming of orchestrating the Perfect Life, I am trying once again to take my experience, strength, and hope, punch them into this keyboard and create a priceless pearl of a story. The words of Thomas Merton caution me against having such great expectations:

“The logic of worldly success rests on a fallacy: the strange error that our perfection depends on the thoughts and opinions and applause of other men! A weird life it is, indeed, to be living always in somebody else’s imagination, as if that were the only place in which one could at last become real!” ~ Thomas Merton, The Seven Storey Mountain

This thing I know – writing is my delight. Unlike the author who said she didn’t like to write, only having written, I genuinely enjoy writing. For over half a century, writing has been consistently the best and most economical therapy I’ve had. And from what I’ve been told, my writing has helped people find hope for their troubled minds and come to find divine delight in this disordered world.