sorrow – Delight in Disorder

Wave After Wave

O Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. (Psalm 88:1) I'm finding it difficult to breathe right now. My chest constricts. My heart aches. My gut churns. Tears are welling up inside me. I'm near collapse. What is happening? I am under attack both within and beyond. Wave after wave of enemies envelop me. Overwhelm me. Cut me off from the Breath of life. I believe; I also have doubts. Not about God, but about myself. Why would God pay attention to me? What if God wants to teach me a lesson by losing? I'm clenching my fist to a thread of hope as the waves crash around me. I see no raft, no rescue ship -- only the mist at sea. Where is this coming from? I have a marvelous life... A wonderful wife. A loyal dog. A loving family. Faithful friends. [...]

Gentle Rejoicing Revisited

It seems I've found a medication cocktail that wipes out my mixed states. It also wipes me out. I have no energy to concentrate, much less create something meaningful and inspiring. I am doing what I can -- getting out of bed, taking meds on time, going for walks, drinking plenty of water. I still want to add a disciplined diet to my regiment. In the meanwhile, I will keep pressing on with the hope that soon I will be better. I am celebrating the small victories that come along the way. I got up this morning at 5:30 am, drank a protein smoothie, took meds at 6 am, then went for a walk with Briley and Susan. This wiped me out and fell asleep in my chair for 4 hours. Then, I got up and went to the Verizon store to get their help installing my new phone. I [...]