I am woefully depressed and once again, like the Apostle Paul, the thing I most need to do I don’t do and the very thing I most need to avoid, I do. Take sleep. Please! I toss and turn through the evening then get up soon after midnight. I try to listen to music 🎼 and write ✍️ but rarely does it help calm me.
What a wretched man 👨 I am! Who will rescue me? Need I answer? Jesus is the answer but he rarely offers an easy solution. Or maybe they are easy but I make them complicated trying to show off? I wonder if Paul ever stayed up all night eating junk food and sorting out his woes. I am sure he did — tied at literal stakes and chains ⛓ instead of a food addicts craving. And Paul was doing time for fewer divine crimes than I. Still, he took upon himself the title of “Chiefest of sinners.”<
I need be clear — my mental illness is not a crime and anyone who may think his or hers is, is sorely mistaken. You may be calling the God who made us, the Jesus who redeemed us, and the Spirit who restores us a liar. For me, it’s just that when I encounter so many self-help strategies for depression and none of them makes me happy, what else do I conclude but that I have a rebellious, selfish spirit?
So this week I’ve set my sight on doing one thing a day, instead of trying to follow a formula to perfection. Today I took a two mile walk with a friend. We share a common faith and similar stories. He is my brother. My hope is to connect with him on the good and the bad days ahead.