Some time ago, I began a subscriber survey that has proven very fruitful. I’ve learned more about who my readers are and what they are looking for when they come to Delight in Disorder.
Some of the most revealing content came from the comments provided in the “other” category. When asked what sort of posts would be most helpful, one reader replied:
“… how God feels about mental illness and why He allows it.”
This thoughtful response raises many profound questions. I want to carefully and prayerfully respond. Yet, please understand that I am not an expert theologian or a mental health professional. Instead, I am a believer in Christ who has lived with a mental illness for over 30 years. This doesn’t give me all the answers, but helps me better understand the questions.
I feel much more confident answering the former question than the latter. The depth of God’s love for us far surpasses any love we could have for each other. When we look to Jesus Christ and his feelings for us, God’s emotions are revealed. Jesus became furious at religious leaders who were excluding “imperfect” (sinners) from full participation in worship. Jesus went to outer regions to reach out to those dismissed as “demon possessed” and freed them from the captivity that caused them to be separated from the faith community. Like the Samaritan lifting the bleeding man out of the ditch and caring for him, Jesus cares for those who are hurting, both physically and emotionally.
So, why? I want to approach this more as a prayer than an accusation. Like when the prophets called on God, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?” In my prayer life, I have come to understand God’s mysterious role in human suffering as something beyond my ability to understand, yet something I can fully trust. I believe God has a plan for me much greater than my mental illness in this life. As the Apostle Paul says, “for this slight momentary affliction is not worth comparing to the greater glory to come.” ( 2 Corinthians 4.17). Like a woman in the midst of agonizing labor, it is next to impossible to believe this in the moment, but when her child is born…. AMAZING!
Why don’t people respond to mental illness with love, prayers, and casseroles?
I hear this from many both within the church and beyond. Mental illness can be a life-threatening illness, given the number of deaths by suicide. It is, however, viewed by many as an annoying condition that could be overcome with self-willed faith, maybe a some positive affirmations, and mindful meditation. I have heard people comment that they grow weary of caring for family members and friends with chronic mental illness. It never goes away.
It doesn’t have to be this way. When I was first diagnosed, I was serving as a pastor of a small congregation in Northeast PA. I spent over six weeks in the hospital, while my wife cared for our children at home, ages 3 & 1. The church rallied to provide child care, meals, rides. It was wonderful. I was given leave for recovery time and welcomed back when I was ready. Churches can be havens of refuge, but too often we are not.
Living alone with a debilitating illness is so hard.
Amen! Damn right it is! And, one of the debilitating factors is that our mental illness coerces us to do the very things that do us the most harm and fail to do the things that could most help. It does us no good to lie in bed for hours on end, but there are days the thought of getting up seems to us like running a 4-minute mile wearing a backpack full of bricks. It would be helpful to go out and spend some time around other people, but there are days where the fear of doing something inappropriate is just too strong.
A few years back, for various reasons, I tried to live alone in an attic apartment in an unfamiliar city. On Saturdays, I visited my children. Sundays I went to church. The rest of the week I was on my own. I was not able to make new friends. I tried support groups, meet-ups, readings, dating sites. People scared me or I scared them. In this climate, I had 7 episodes that required intervention. In just 18 months.
Thanks be to God and the loving support of my family, I moved into an apartment in my sister’s basement. It provided me a wonderful living space of my own yet not be on my own. I know such spaces are hard to come by for persons with mental illness. I pray you find yours.
Now, by God’s amazing grace, I have met the woman I will spend my life with, married, and we will soon move into our own home. I know it won’t be easy. I know many of my sisters and brothers with mental illness are blessed in such a way, but I will make the most of it and give thanks each day that God delights in me even in my disorder.