Mental Illness

Darkness is My Closest Companion

My friend and my neighbor have put away from me, and darkness is my only companion. (Psalm 88:18; Book of Common Prayer) "... depression is not just sadness or sorrow. Depression is not just negative thinking. Depression is not just being "down." It is being cast to the very end of your tether and, quite frankly, being dropped... The sick individual cannot simply shrug it off or pull out of it. While God certainly can pick up the pieces and put them together in a new way, this can only happen if the depressed brain makes it through to see again life among the living." ~ Kathryn Greene-McCreight, Darkness is My Only Companion. It's been 14 days that have passed like 14 years. Some days I lay in bed into late afternoon. One it was 6 p.m. Other days I'm up well before dawn. Up or down, the [...]

Darkness is My Closest Companiontonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:56-04:00

Can we prevent suicide? How? {Note: Trigger Warning}

“When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide "When I came to my senses in the hospital bed after my suicide attempt, I had to face the reality that I had tried to abandon God. At the same time, I discovered that God had not abandoned me." --Tony Roberts, Delight in Disorder: Ministry, Madness, Mission. I have walked close to suicide, both in my pastoral and personal lives. I have seen it in the bandaged wrists of a teenage girl. [...]

Can we prevent suicide? How? {Note: Trigger Warning}tonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:56-04:00

Musings of a Bipolar Soul

On June 13, 2009, I was driving along the scenic shores of the Finger Lakes region of New York wondering what I was going to do with my life. I was 45. I had spent most of the last two decades serving as a pastor while battling bipolar disorder. At my best, I had time and energy left to enjoy family life with my wonderful wife and four beautiful children. At my worst, I either laid under the covers in a dark bedroom or frantically pursued plans ill-conceived and left undone. I looked out the window and prayed for vision. Suddenly, it came to me. I would write a book about bipolar and the faith that either fuels us to distraction or saves us from self-destruction. In less than 20 miles, I conceived of a collection of devotions, inspired by the Psalms. That journey that began along the shores [...]

Musings of a Bipolar Soultonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:56-04:00

Is Depression ‘of God’? – Leanne Sype

In 2013, I partnered with Leanne Sype to begin the process that led to the publication of Delight in Disorder: Ministry, Madness, Mission. I was thrilled with her work as editor, a crowdfunding consultant,a spiritual adviser, and friend. Here is some of her story. *** I have depression. It’s called “situational depression” because it was induced by the situation of both my kids being diagnosed with mental illnesses. My son has ADHD. My daughter has depression and anxiety, which, for her, include symptoms like self-harm and thoughts of wanting to die. Over the course of navigating treatments, advocating for academic accommodations, and engaging in the bulk of the emotional support for each kiddo, I felt depression slowly weigh down on my chest. *** I once had a Christian friend tell me that anything with the prefix de- isn’t “of God.” Depression fell into that category in our conversation. Whether that [...]

Is Depression ‘of God’? – Leanne Sypetonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

Is Awareness Enough?

(from the Mental Health America, May newsletter) This year marks Mental Health America's 70th year celebrating Mental Health Month! In 2019 we are expanding upon last year’s theme of #4Mind4Body and taking it to the next level, as we explore the topics of animal companionship (including pets and support animals), spirituality, humor, work-life balance, and recreation and social connections as ways to boost mental health and general wellness. (from "Why I Don't Celebrate Mental Health Awareness Month" by DJ Jaffe) May is being celebrated as Mental Health Awareness Week or Month (MHAW or MHAM). In celebration, well-intentioned advocates are hosting events they think reduce the “stigma” of mental illness. But they are inadvertently perpetuating it.... .. MHAW public service announcements never feature the homeless psychotic, eating out of garbage cans, sleeping in cardboard homes, and living with festering wounds under layer after layer of filthy clothes, or those [...]

Is Awareness Enough?tonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

All the Difference in the World

In 2008, my mental illness progressed to the point that I became unable to work in my profession. I had served as a pastor for over 20 years. It was more than just my job. It was my calling. My vocation. I did not work as a pastor; I was a pastor. I delivered God's Word week after week to help people, my people, see their stories in God's story. I led Bible studies at a local addiction treatment center, extending the hope of Christ's forgiveness for those ready for a new path in life. I prayed with wailing women as they sat beside their dying husbands. After I resigned from pastoral ministry, I didn't know what I would do. I tried many things. Weeding. Cleaning furnaces. Roofing. Volunteering at the VA. Building mini-barns. I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to stay busy, but I [...]

All the Difference in the Worldtonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

Mental Illness: What is the Answer? That is the Question!

Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty? They are higher than the heavens above—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths below— what can you know? (Job 11:7-8) God is a mystery to us. God lies beyond our ability to comprehend. We can only begin to imagine who God is and how God acts as we look to the Scriptures, as we look at the life of Jesus Christ and the activity of God’s Spirit through the community of faith. Not only is God is mystery, but so is much of God's creation. Perhaps not on the scale of majestic marvel, but there are many questions about creation that remain unanswered. And the sharpest minds throughout history and around the universe who have searched for answers all their lives come to conclude: The more I know, the more I [...]

Mental Illness: What is the Answer? That is the Question!tonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

Moving from Anxiety to Motivation

{This post was originally composed January 8, 2018.} Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4.6) My good friend Eric came over Saturday. We now have all the recording equipment necessary for our upcoming podcast, Revealing Voices and now need to learn how to use it before our debut on March 1. Eric also brought over a Ninja blender to make the smoothies we will drink and review on our show. Eric was here from 10:30 am - 3:30 pm and made tremendous progress. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. The more time passed, the more progress Eric made, and the more my mind became encased in a cage of anxiety. Eric is a good communicator, but because of my state of mind, here's what I heard: "Blah, blah, Skype, [...]

Moving from Anxiety to Motivationtonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

When Good Things Happen to Grandiose People

... in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”(1 Corinthians 12. 7-9) I was on the fast track to spiritual success. My ministry was producing fruit. Lives were being changed. I was on a mission from God and I knew it. God told me. This came crashing down when I had a medication-induced manic episode. I spent the better part of a year in and out of the psych hospital and recuperating at home. My primary mission reverted from bringing salvation to others to staying awake long enough to eat and take my medication. With the help of God working through others, I returned to pastoral ministry and [...]

When Good Things Happen to Grandiose Peopletonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:57-04:00

A Beautiful, Brilliant, Unquiet Mind

When I first received my bipolar diagnosis, the picture painted for me of my future was rather bleak. The staff at the psychiatric hospital explained that I would likely not be able to continue in ministry. I would go on disability, have repeated hospitalizations and the chances of remaining in my marriage were slim to none. My psychiatrist, however, offered a ray of hope. He recommended a memoir that had just been published by one of the most world-renowned expert on bipolar disorder - Kay Redfield Jamison. In Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness, Jamison beautifully describes her own life-long struggle and brilliantly depicts the love-hate relationship many folks with Bipolar have with their illness. She defines what she prefers to call "Manic-depression" ...a disease that both kills and gives life. Fire, by its nature, both creates and destroys. "The force that through the green fuse drives [...]

A Beautiful, Brilliant, Unquiet Mindtonyroberts2024-08-26T13:03:58-04:00