About tonyroberts

I am a man with an unquiet mind who delights in the One who delights in me.

Top 10 Delight in Disorder Posts in 2017

I've been wondering how I might mark the end of an incredible year here at Delight in Disorder. Would I chronicle my own year in mental health, from my confinement on a psychiatric observation unit of the hospital -- "Examining Medicine; Observing Faith", to my liberation as I channel my illness in creative ways -- "The Relationship Between Creativity and Mental Illness."? Would I revisit good posts that went largely unnoticed, like "Discovering Delight in Disorder,";"Cracked Pots" ; and, "A Close Encounter with a Crazed Commentator." Maybe I would feature one of the many reader responses I've gotten in 2017 -- like: Yesterday was my birthday and still, I was a bit depressed. Some does come from my past childhood abuse, not that it was all bad, but my father has not spoken to me since my diagnosis in 2002 and my mom passed in 2003, but she understood before her [...]

Top 10 Delight in Disorder Posts in 2017 2017-12-28T22:21:29+00:00

What Child This Is!

… Christmas is not only the mile-mark of another year, moving us to thoughts of self-examination: it is a season, from all its associations, whether domestic or religious, suggesting thoughts of joy. A man dissatisfied with his endeavours is a man tempted to sadness. And in the midst of the winter, when his life runs lowest and he is reminded of the empty chairs of his beloved, it is well he should be condemned to this fashion of the smiling face. Noble disappointment, noble self-denial are not to be admired, not even to be pardoned, if they bring bitterness. It is one thing to enter the kingdom of heaven maim; another to maim yourself and stay without. And the kingdom of heaven is of the childlike, of those who are easy to please, who love and who give pleasure.  (from “A Christmas Sermon” by Robert Louis Stevenson) This weekend, [...]

What Child This Is! 2018-01-19T16:08:36+00:00

All the Difference in the World

In 2008, my mental illness progressed to the point that I became unable to work in my profession. I had served as a pastor for over 20 years. It was more than just my job. It was my calling. My vocation. I did not work as a pastor; I was a pastor. I delivered God's Word week after week to help people, my people, see their stories in God's story. I led Bible studies at a local addiction treatment center, extending the hope of Christ's forgiveness for those ready for a new path in life. I prayed with wailing women as they sat beside their dying husbands. After I resigned from pastoral ministry, I didn't know what I would do. I tried many things. Weeding. Cleaning furnaces. Roofing. Volunteering at the VA. Building mini-barns. I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to stay busy, but I [...]

All the Difference in the World 2018-01-19T16:08:56+00:00

No One Cares About Crazy People: A Review

I hope you do not "enjoy" this book. I hope you are wounded by it; wounded as I have been in writing it. Ron Powers knows craziness inside and out. His book is part-expose, part-memoir. Not only does he unveil the atrocious way demoniacs/lunatics/maniacs/mentally ill have been abused throughout history, he also shares a very personal story about how mental illness has ravaged his family. Powers primarily examines schizophrenia, the mother of all mental illnesses. The most debilitating. The one most resistant to treatment. This is the illness Powers's sons Kevin & Dean have. But this diagnosis does not define them. They are creative, compassionate young men. Powers describes how his sons were moved by music and this passion for artistic expression gave them direction and purpose. But, as their minds gave way to the mental illness within, they would lose the capacity for anything coherently creative. Only chaos. [...]

No One Cares About Crazy People: A Review 2018-01-19T16:09:36+00:00

Living Prepared to Die

A friend of mine, who also has bipolar, was in an auto accident when she was in college. She was taken to the emergency room where she had an x-ray and cat-scan. Neither showed any physical damage. She called her resident adviser to come to the hospital to pick her up. By the time he got there, she was livid with the staff, crying out to anyone who would listen, and many who wouldn't, that she was paralyzed. Three doctors and several nurses examined her and found nothing physically wrong. As the night wore on, however, she became hysterical. She said she had a massive inflammation in her spine. She was admitted to a medical-behavioral unit where she was diagnosed as having an acute manic episode. She was given psychotropics. They also performed an MRI and found a mass in her lower spine.  Another cat-scan also revealed a mass in [...]

Living Prepared to Die 2018-01-19T16:10:04+00:00

Shame on You: When Mental Illness is Taboo

Shame is a soul eating emotion.  ― C.G. Jung Guilt can be good, if it leads to a change of heart, a transformed mind, reformed behavior. Shame, however, is a wicked parasite that feeds off not what we have done, but who we are. Shame is an external imposition. At least it starts that way. We are taught to feel ashamed. The 3-year old child of a friend once hopped out of the bathtub and took off running through the halls, shouting "I love my body. I love my body." This innocent exuberance is soon replaced by quiet discretion which, if handled too roughly, can become shame the child feels over his body. Shame is not part of God's created order. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.  (Genesis 2.25) Shame only came about as a result of disobedience. It is not God's good [...]

Shame on You: When Mental Illness is Taboo 2017-12-11T14:09:30+00:00

How/Can we prevent suicide? {Note: Trigger Warning}

“When people are suicidal, their thinking is paralyzed, their options appear spare or nonexistent, their mood is despairing, and hopelessness permeates their entire mental domain. The future cannot be separated from the present, and the present is painful beyond solace. ‘This is my last experiment,’ wrote a young chemist in his suicide note. ‘If there is any eternal torment worse than mine I’ll have to be shown.” ― Kay Redfield Jamison, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide "When I came to my senses in the hospital bed after my suicide attempt, I had to face the reality that I had tried to abandon God. At the same time, I discovered that God had not abandoned me."  --Tony Roberts, Delight in Disorder: Ministry, Madness, Mission. I have walked closely with suicide, both in my pastoral and personal lives. I have seen it in the bandaged wrists of a teenage girl. I [...]

How/Can we prevent suicide? {Note: Trigger Warning} 2017-12-11T14:09:23+00:00

I am ; even me.

;     ;     ; I have been asked to speak about Suicide Prevention at a local library this Saturday. Whenever I am invited to speak on the subject, if at all possible, I accept. Largely because of I am a survivor. God has raised me from death and given me a mission to share my testimony with others. Here's how I share it in my book, Delight in Disorder: ;     ;     ; But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. (Psalm 10:14) ;     ;     ; I learned growing up the importance of being in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I was taught to maintain this relationship with daily prayer and Bible reading, weekly worship, [...]

I am ; even me. 2017-12-06T17:03:45+00:00

The Relationship Between Creativity and Mental Illness

I start this post with one basic assumption. Not all persons with mental illness are creative. Some sit around all day playing video solitaire, watching episodes of Judge Judy, counting the cars that pass by. Some persons with mental illness have neither the desire or the capacity (or both) to do anything that resembles creative expression. (Though you never know the depths of creativity lodged in their brains.) At the same time, I find my mental illness plays out in a creative way, primarily in my way with words. I'm not Hemingway. It's not quality, but quantity for me. Most of my waking and sleeping hours are spent plotting how I can use my words to the best effect. When I am under unusual amounts of stress, you will likely find me tucked away in a corner, Pilot G-2 gel pen gliding across a composition journal, describing the world [...]

The Relationship Between Creativity and Mental Illness 2017-12-06T17:02:03+00:00

Love for the Unlovable

I have been mired in a holiday depression. I texted a friend about it and we had this exchange: +.    +     + Friend: What do you think started the decline. Let's break it down. Me: Nostalgia over past holidays. They were not likely as good as I remember them. But my loss still seems palpable. Friend: In Hebrews, the author talks about hearing God's voice. and entering God's rest. He ends up talking about the power of God's Word. That has helped me. The idea we can enter God's rest here -- today. Me: I'm not really connecting on the "rest" part. It's more like I sleep and lie in bed to escape. Friend: Would you say that nostalgia over past holidays is fundamentally a belief that there was a time when God was with you, and now God is not? Me: I have always believed [...]

Love for the Unlovable 2017-12-06T17:01:41+00:00